Stop being accommodating in relationships
Even if the perceived reward of our masterplan is to have a relationship and give someone our love, by pretending to be something that we’re not, by busting our own boundaries and letting them take the mick with ours, and by silencing ourselves and other such painful acts, we’re not only doing ourselves a disservice but in our quest for love and validation, we’re actually coming across as dishonest.
And finally it slotted into place about why I’d disliked a particular ex, yet had felt guilty and even ashamed for not liking him – he was very passive (although admittedly that would give way to another habit of passive aggression as well).
What bugged me at the time was that he was ridiculously agreeable.
He just wouldn’t be honest in terms of ‘feedback’ or his opinion.
A few months back, a friend fumed to me about how she’d fallen out with someone who she’d thought was a friend until they told her that they’d only been doing certain things because they’d expected payback in favours.
She’d been under the impression that they were mates so not only did she feel insulted, but she suddenly realised that this person had ulterior motives the entire time and she cringed as she recalled conversations where she’d confided in her.
After this guy accomplishes his mission, somebody else explains to Michael that this guy doesn’t actually like him and has been sucking up to him the entire time.
He’s really offended – he does want people to suck up to him but not because they’re trying to get something from him; he wants them to suck up because they think he’s amazing.
And then I had an A-ha moment: When we have a hidden agenda, we’re not being ourselves because we want to be what we think will get us a relationship ( or a job, popularity, an opportunity etc) or we’re passive by trying to dodge conflict, criticism and basically anything that we think is going to jeopardise our chances of getting the prize we have our eye on, we can come across as disingenuous.
Everything was what he thought I wanted to hear, he wanted to do whatever I wanted to do (even when he blatantly didn’t), and even when I was in the wrong or he just had a different opinion, he wouldn’t express it.
I’d know that he wasn’t being honest with me and sometimes I could even pick up the simmering annoyance, but he’d just smile and be agreeable and I’d be “AAAAAAAAGGGGHHH! Then I would feel guilty and ashamed because how could I be thinking mean things about someone who was so “nice”?