The best online dating profile ever

I never received so many emails in my life – most were from people thanking me for making them laugh. And before you start threatening me or calling me the “c” word or “b” word, as some of you that have read my profile already have, I will report you. Your life is so full of adventure, and you brag about this amazing life you have, your hobbies, and all the places you have traveled.I read profiles every day of men who seem to have their “truth” about women. Well I haven’t met anyone yet that actually likes to go out and DO SOMETHING FUN.Trying to get any of you to even go to dinner is like pulling teeth. You say women post pictures that are ten years old when they were a size 6 and then show up weighing 300+ pounds.Or you ask to take a woman out then disappear or come up with the lamest excuse at the last minute to cancel. Because you have someone else on the back burner who’s a definite score? I purposely posted pictures that are about ten and twenty years old to show you I haven’t changed much. Every guy I have gone on a date with that claims to be 5′ 8″ to 5″10 has lied about their height because I have been taller than every one of you.This was my online dating profile about two years ago.

And not every women that puts “about average” as their body type is a liar. I’d put curvy because I actually have tits, hips, and an ass, but “curvy” to a guy translates to “That’s a girl’s nice way of admitting she is an obese pig.” Yes, if you’re looking for a girl who is a size 2 and a carpenter’s dream, that’s not me, but not all of us lie about our body type. You say you want your “last kiss” or to meet your “princess” – but really, a majority of you just want to get laid.You think if you take a girl to dinner, this entitles you to a blow job in the backseat of your truck. Well I am as independent as they come and when that’s placed in your lap, you don’t know how to handle it.Or because we’ve talked on the phone for a few weeks, I “know you” enough to want to come to your house for a “movie night and cuddling.” Do I look like I was born yesterday? Women don’t care how big your muscles are and don’t want to hear that you’re hung like a horse. I have met enough losers and liars to last me a lifetime. Let’s see…I’ve been lied to about the number of kids you have – and EVEN THE NUMBER OF LIMBS YOU HAVE!!! I’ve been told by guys I am a “lion”, I am “too independent”, and I am “too aggressive.” Why?Most guys that post pictures showing their abs or muscles are either full of themselves or have to distract you from the fact that they’re just plain ugly. Restraining orders, arrests, living in your parent’s basement – I have met many a liar in your gender pool. Because I tell you how it is, because I’m not going to chase you, because I actually have a life and don’t depend on you.We don’t care that you have a big **** because the truth is it’s not the size that matters, but how you use it. I could go on and on, but I’m saving that for the book I am going to write one day about all these crazy experiences.

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And for all of you who like to brag about how many times you can make a girl come, TRUTH ALERT: most girls fake it!!! In the meantime, good luck to you all and good riddance to the crazy world of online dating!

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